Oh god. You arrived home and you could smell it. 

It’s poop and it’s everywhere. What did Fido eat?! Did a bomb full of poop go off in your home? You feel bad for the poor creature, but how did he have the energy to do zoomies while dumping pudding out of his ass? 

First of all, get to work. You may not start drinking until there are no traces of poopy disaster left. It may seem cruel, but it is in your best interest. Once everything is cleaned up, please wash your damn hands thoroughly- sing happy birthday a few times- you know what, actually hop in the shower too. 

Then, when the windows are wide open and after you’ve lit a few candles, pour yourself a big glass of scotch. Two, no, make it three fingers. Blended is fine. Save the 15-year for another day (this is hardly a celebration). Now is not the time for fussing, but you do deserve a stiff drink while you shop for new throw pillows for the front room.